the amazing digital circus released on october 13, 2023 - but i didn't watch it until january 20, 2025. i had known of its existence, of course. right as its pilot released it practically blew up on youtube, relentlessly showing up on my home page no matter how many times i'd try to ignore it. i clearly remember seeing concept art and animation progress videos for it even before this, despite knowing nothing about the project at the time. i just thought, "oh! those are neat character designs." without any context, i think i liked jax the most?

after a week or so, the pilot stopped showing up in my recommendations, and i instead began hearing about the various elsagate-esque content farms that started to massacre the characters from the show to create youtube kids slop. this made me feel even less interested in watching it - the reason i wasn't initially was purely because my evil contrarian brain saw the pilot's view count.

since early 2023, my biggest long-term goal has been to create my own indie animated psychological horror web series. "your memories, rewritten!", or YMR, is a passion project that i've been determined to realize for years. the plot follows a teenage boy who ends up in an unfamiliar place with no recollection of who he is and must find his true identity to escape - needless to say, when i first heard about the plot of the amazing digital circus, i was genuinely terrified that YMR would unintentionally come off as a complete ripoff.

on top of this, i have a severe and (probably) irrational fear of getting into new media. why? my tendency to hyperfixate. there are literal dozens of various anime and games which i KNOW are things that i would enjoy, i just don't think that i could handle hyperfixating on anything new at this point. too much time, money, investment, plus my old interests all immediately dissipate. yuck :(

for over a year, i somehow managed to avoid coming across any and all spoilers for the show. the only thing i knew about it was that it was about humans trapped in a virtual reality game, solely from memes. i didn't get spoiled even after watching an entire video essay on it, which in a way honestly feels impressive. in other words, when i first watched it in january 2025, i went in completely blind.

to keep this brief for the sake of privacy - in december 2024, i unfortunately ended up in an extremely abusive relationship. while it only lasted 2 months (and thank god for that), it was an experience so disturbing that it ultimately left me seeking comfort in anything i could. on january 20, 2025, i finally gave up on my contrarianism and decided to watch the amazing digital circus for the very first time.

before i pressed play on the first video of 4 that were out at the time, i thought to myself: "this time, i will consume this like a normal person would. i don't need to know everything about a show to still enjoy it - i will just watch it once, and leave it at that. no rewatching, supplementary content, anything." that unfortunately did nothing to help, as you could probably tell from this shrine's mere existence.

as with anything i consume, my brain immediately began trying to decide who my favorite character was. for me, that usually tends to be whoever i relate to the most - and at first, i wasn't feeling any of them. pomni's iconic design and her anxious demeanor in the pilot initially drew me to her, but i already knew that she wasn't the type of character i would obsess over. i also liked jax's design, but wasn't a fan of his personality. somewhat disappointed that i couldn't see myself in any of the cast, i pressed play on episode 4.

worst mistake of my life? well, it's possible. i had already seen manager gangle's design in a couple youtube thumbnails prior to this (and thought that she looked incredibly strange at best LOL) but literally nothing could have prepared me for the chokehold she immediately had me in the second the cast ended up at spudsy's. from her (still incredibly strange) appearance to her personality, i was DONE for.

funnily (or embarassingly) enough, 4 episodes in, i still had no idea what gangle's gender actually was. with jax's constant bullying of her, i somehow came to the conclusion that the "ladies first" comment in the pilot was his attempt at teasing her. with nonhuman designs, it's notoriously common for female characters to be given "feminine" traits such as eyelashes or breasts to signify that they are meant to be female - even if it makes zero sense. i was surprised once i looked up her wiki page, but it made me love her so much more.

her personality was what initally caught my eye. although she was clearly masking (and mentally unwell) for almost the entire episode, it felt...familiar? at my core, i'm shy, introverted, and meek just like she is - but more often than not, i put on an eerily similar "mask" to hers. although while gangle's quiet nature and depression are eventually accepted, for me, this unfortunately isn't the case.

a lot of people claim that episode 4 gangle was the complete opposite of who she really is, but personally, i don't necessarily think so? the more you wear a "mask", the harder it becomes to tell what your actual personality is. at some point, it becomes nearly impossible to separate yourself from it - and therefore, in a sense, it also becomes a part of "you".
some also seem to believe that gangle's masks directly control her mood and behavior, but this is evidently not the case as she is shown smiling and even laughing without her comedy mask on several occasions. while i do think that the episode 4 mask made gangle more confident and allowed her to hide her true feelings for longer, i also believe that it was mostly cosmetic and the rest came from her.

as for gangle's appearance - i have an atrocious taste in character designs. if a character looks like they could both be comic relief and an indie mascot horror game villain, i will probably find them attractive. her design isn't bad by any means! i just doubt that it was meant to be hot LMAO. her goofiness combined with the stupid sauce hallucination and the entire employee reevaluation analog horror sequence unfortunately made me question a lot of things about myself that i never wanted to question. she's just ribbons. right?

wrong. watching this show had made me realize that i was fictosexual, gave me strength to escape the abusive relationship i was in at the time, and has given me reasons to keep going in spite of my mental health struggles. each time i look at gangle, my worries and anxiety seem to vanish and be replaced by the type of happiness i hadn't felt in years before this. i find that lovely!

i'm still a bit scared to admit that i am fictosexual to most people - i feel like many would either assume that i am delusional or that i just can't find an actual partner. in truth, fictosexuality falls under the aromantic and asexual labels. throughout my entire life, i've never felt attracted to anyone i've met in person. i've never had crushes, fantasies about anyone, nothing.
every single relationship i've ever been in had been long distance, and i had met none of those people. i've since come to realize that most of those relationships were me misunderstanding my feelings for "love", while in the others it only felt okay because those people were intangible. if i had ever gotten to meet them in real life, my attraction would've most likely ended right there and then.

while i realize that my relationship with gangle isn't as "real" as one with an actual person would be, what difference does it really make? i don't feel attraction to real people, so i'm not missing out on anything; i have plenty of friends to keep me company, and in the end, it hurts no one. if being "cringe" is my only crime, then i will happily remain a criminal for as long as it brings joy into my life.